+ final fantasy viii: black star
Written by: Bob and Vanessa (shades_of_grace@hotmail.com)
I sat in the cafeteria, alone as always, sipping idly at my now cold cup of coffee and musing over the tests from yesterday. 'How does one obtain a GF?' 'Go to the Balamb item shop?' What in Hyne's name was this child thinking? I shook my head in disappointment at this student's apparant lack of knowledge and put the tests aside.
Is this what my life has been reduced to? Drinking cold coffee alone and grading tests of students whom obviously have no hope of becoming a SeeD? When did I become such a pessimist? I suppose when I realized I would be alone, live alone, die alone. Ah yes, all because of my failed attempts to win a lion's heart. No, Rinoa tamed that elusive beast. Perhaps my efforts weren't as...forthcoming as hers, but they were still there. At least I approached the manner as an adult, whilst she acted as a child. But still, she won.
Rinoa relies solely on her looks and pure heart. I could do nothing of the sort. This heart of mine is anything but pure. I have seen far too many gruesome happenings in my time to be as chaste, as pure as snow, as she. Is there no room in the world for a woman such as I? Is there only love, only acceptance, for the pure angels of heaven? I suppose so. The black stars, myself included, are few and far between. What purpose would we, apparant creatures of the underworld, hold in a society of light?
We must be banished, cast aside. We are not the same, merely a shell of these angels. But these angels are not as pure as are made out to be. Squall and Rinoa, they are Hell's very own angels. Of course they seem heavenly. Of course they seem that way. But does anyone stop to see the bloody and beaten heart they left beneath their footsteps? Of course they don't. Because I am no angel. I'm not the angel that received the love of a lion.
I look at them and wonder, how am I so different? I've hurt no one. I've always been kind and considerate, trying my best to appease them. All that I asked for in return was to be loved, to be accepted. They granted me no such request. I was only pushed aside, forgotten. When did I become so pessimistic? It all happened when a star became outshined by an angel.
"Well, well, Instructor. Fancy meeting you here."
Perhaps there are more black stars than I thought.
"Hello, Seifer."
Seifer isn't quite a black star, though. He's more like a plague, a plague which devours the hopes and aspirations of any he comes into contact with. He hurt Squall, and Rinoa as well. I must commend him on that. He did that which I could never do. I am too much of a coward, I suppose. I could never intentionally cause someone pain or grief. I, who has been deemed worthless, could never harm another soul. I'm dark, buried beneath the light, but yet, those angels are the ones which have hurt me. They are considered sacred and precious. Why cannot anyone see they are the demons here, not I?
"It hurts, doesn't it? I bet it just wrenches your heart to see them like that." Seifer nodded towards Rinoa and Squall's sickening displays of holding and kissing. I closed my eyes in an attempt to hold back the pain and nasuea.
"My dear Instructor, why let it get to you? Can't you see this is what they were hoping for? To see you fight with your pain and suffering day after day? They want this. They crave it. They're like aniamls, all of them. Because, Quistis, we are the better creatures here, not them. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be." Seifer gave me a condesending look before disappearing from my sight.
I felt my nasuea return and I had to fight like mad to keep it at bay. Why do I continue to place myself in the wrong of things? I did nothing wrong. I stepped aside and allowed Rinoa to take my light. I put myself in the darkness. If I hadn't, if I had been the selfish one, would everyone then see me as the angel? I would be the halo and wings that tamed the lion's insatiable heart. I would still shine brightly and Rinoa would be that lone, mangy star.
I gathered my things and headed for my dormitory. Having to spend one more moment in that sickening love pit watching those two and I'd be liable to sever my head with my Save the Queen. It really should be against Garden policy to show public affection like that. Perhaps I'll have a word with the headmaster about it later.
I slid my card key into the slot and promptly dropped my things on the floor. I wasn't concerned with being orderly at the moment. I collapsed onto my bed and covered my head with my pillow. I think I was trying to smother myself, but at any rate, it wasn't working. Bloody hell. Well, you can't win them. Wow, if that wasn't an understatement, coming from me of all people.
I realized something rather interesting. Well, it was interesting to my mundane existance. If you try to sleep and think about falling asleep, you won't fall asleep. Having given up on taking a nap, I lay on my back and stared blankly at the ceiling. Oh, yes, this is much better. Were Seifer's words true? Did they truly relish in knowing my apparant pain? Were these people who were supposedly some of my closest friends only betraying me in the end? How can I truly all them my friends though, really? I don't view them as such, not in the true essence of the word.
Perhaps I am truly alone. Yes, my pessimisim gets the better of me and I say that I am, but perhaps I am truly alone, having no one to care or to care for me. The ironic thing is, that thought doesn't surprise me in the least. Even as a child I was alone. The other children were always off playing their little games and whatnot, while I preferred to read or something more intellectually stimulating. In the end, that resulted in me spending more time with Matron than the other children and made me an outcast. Maybe that's why my heart clung to Squall like it did. He was outcast and unwanted, like me. We had a common bond. But that apparantly meant nothing to him. He didn't want another lonely heart to share his pain with. I know that now.
I heard the buzzing of my alarm. 8:45. I wonder when I finally dozed off. It was morning. I looked out of the window to see the sun was shining brightly over the mountains of Balamb. Most people would find comfort in the majestic view, but really, I just found it sickening. I was about to roll over and go back into the comfort of sleep when I heard Headmaster Cid's boom over the intercom.
'I would like to have the following come to my office immediately: Quistis Trepe, Seifer Almasy and Squall Leonheart. That is all." Oh, how lovely, a mission with Seifer and Squall. I get to listen to Seifer's arrogant comments and Squall prattle on about his precious love life. I should just go and drive my car into the ocean right now.
I walked into Headmaster's office and saw Seifer and Squall already waiting. Seifer gave me a grin and Squall just stared blankly into space. What is it? I'm not a beautfiul enough sight? But of course, I could never compare to your precious angel. The Headmaster cleared his throat. It was obvious even to him the tension in the room.
"Do you know why I called you here today?" A mission, of course. Why else would you call us in here? So we could have crumpets and tea?
'You're going to Esthar. You'll all be escorts for President Loire." The Headmaster quickly briefed us on our mission.
"Sounds fun...and excessively easy." Seifer, could he be serious for just one moment?
"I'll do all in my power to protect the president." Squall...so honorable and so predictable. Ever since he's been with Rinoa, it seems his brain has been completely devoid of any intelligent thought. Well, serves him right.
"We've heard that an alleged assassin is going to arrive at his parade for Esthar's most celebrated holiday, its' Independence Day. It's your mission to guard the president at all costs." We all stood and saluted. Squall turned and walked out. I wonder how his angel will react to him being sent on a mission without? Remind me to shed a few tears for her, if I ever actually give a damn. This could be my chance to win Squall's heart, but with Seifer tagging along Hyne knows what he will do. Oh, what am I thinking? I could never win Squall over Rinoa. But who's to say I couldn't show him the kind of pain that he has blessed upon me. I smiled and went back to my dormitory to begin packing.
~*~*~*~*
I awoke the next morning, grabbed the few bags I had packed and secured my Save the Queen at my side. I headed for the gate, where Seifer was already waiting. Squall was nowhere in sight, though. I set my bags on the ground and took a place beside Seifer.
"Where is Squall? He's late." I inquired. He was usually prompt for a mission, so it was actually a bit unnerving to find that he hasn't arrived yet.
"As you can plainly see, he isn't here. Probably figured he should get one least quickie with Rinoa before he's gone for who knows how long." Seifer leered down at me. I was quite tall for most women my age, but Seifer still towered over me.
His crude remark made me cringe. Knowing she had his love was more than enough for me. I couldn't even stomach to see them hold hands. But the thought of him making love to her, to her made every muscle in my body ache. As if on cue, Squall came waltzing through the front gate and of course, little miss perfect was tagging along behind him.
"...And try to call me as much as possible and don't forget me, kay?" Rinoa beamed brightly up at Squall and gave him a passionate, lingering kiss.
"You know I could never forget you, Rin." Squall whispered back at her, but I swear he said it just loud enough so I could hear. Yes, Squall, now twist the knife counter-clockwise, you uncompassionate bastard.
"Alright, let's get going. The sooner we reach Esthar, the better." Squall signaled to us. Seifer started to follow him to the Ragnarok, but I only stood there. Somehow I knew that this mission was going to be my breaking point and Squall would be realizing that first-hand.
Seifer turned back around, obviously knowing something was not quite right with me. My fists were clenched and my eyes were narrowed in on Rinoa. Oh, how I would love to just knock that smile off of her face. Would you still be smiling if you knew what you did to me? Would you even care? No, of course you wouldn't. As far as you're concerned, you've won. Perhaps you have, but if you think I will let you have your happiness, you are quite mistaken. You haven't earned it. Only when you know pain, and not your everday, run-of-the-mill pain, but the pain that I have to endure everday, only then will you be worthy.
"Instructor?" Seifer was snapping his fingers in front of my face. I must have caught him off guard when I suddenly reached out and grabbed his hand, pulling it away from me.
"My, my. Someone's awfully feisty this morning. Anytime you wanna go one-on-one, lemme know. But I think it's a certain lion you'd rather go at it with." Seifer said in his normal cocky tone and winked before running to go board the ship. I picked up my bags and slowly made my way to the hellpit I would have to be spending the next two hours in.
I went to my cabin and opted for a short rest before we reached Esthar. I dreamt of hanging Rinoa and Squall from the ceiling with my Save the Queen. My, that would be so wonderful. I sat in a recliner sipping an iced tea while they pleaded to be let down. Tell it to someone who cares, sweetheart.
I awoke only to be greeted by a pair of dark green eyes. "Seifer! What the hell are you doing?!" I jumped, nearly hitting my head on the celing.
"Squall told me to come get you. We'll be in Esthar in a few minutes. By the way, you looked pretty damn happy when you were sleeping. Having another dream about me? You can get fired for that kind of thing, you know." Seifer added before leaving my cabin.
I felt the Ragnarok come to a stop and I headed for the exit. The sooner we got this mission underway and over, the better. Seifer took my hand and helped me out. I wonder why he's being so considerate all of a sudden? Oh well, it's Seifer; best not to think too much of it.
"Where were you, Quistis? We have to hurry." Squall started lecturing me. "Why can't you be more dependable, like Rinoa?"
That was it. I reached for my Save the Queen, cracked it at Squall's face, causing his scar to once again bleed rivers of blood. That wasn't enough, far from it. I stealthily walked over to him, waited for him to lift his head up to meet my gaze and punched him square in the nose, then his jaw and both eyes. I would have kept going, but Seifer pulled me off. Squall stood, used a potion on himself to stop the bleeding and bruising and stalked off.
"Man, I don't know what the hell has gotten into you, but I like it. I'm just sorry you did that before me." Seifer held onto me, laughing.
What's gotten into me, you ask? Well, it has a little something to do with a couple of insensitive, uncaring, selfish bastards who don't care who they hurt. At one time, I would have tolerated it. At one time, I would have shrugged it off. That time is not now. Squall may not know what my little outburst was for, but he will know soon enough. He will know, because he will know my pain. He will feel every ounce of sorrow, of heartache, I've had to endure.
"Let's go, Seifer." I started walking towards the Presidential Residence. Seifer jogged after me, stepping in front of me to bar my path.
"What exactly has gotten into you, Quistis?" Seifer leaned his head down to mine, staring directly into my eyes.
"Nothing." I quickly dismissed him and tried to continue walking, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back over to him.
"What. Is. Wrong. With. You?" He enunciated each word as if he was talking to a small child.
"Do you really want to know, Seifer? I am so sick of watching those two day after day, knowing full-well that i never had a chance and that my feelings mean nothing to them. And I am just so...pissed off anymore...and they're going to pay." I let everything out in one breath. Seifer could only stare at me. He then stepped aside and followed me to the Presidential Residence.
********
"...And that pretty much sums it up, guys." President Laguna Loire finished briefing us on our mission. So basically, there is some psychopath assassin who is one of Adel's loyal followers and wants to kill the President. The parade wasn't until the coming Friday, so we would be free to observe the town and do as we wished until then.
"Squall, I've been ask, what the hell happened to your face? It looks like you got into one bad rumble." I couldn't help but stifle a laugh.
"I was fighting in the training area and a T-Rexuar lashed me with its' claws." Leave it to Squall to lie about something like that. Of course you couldn't say "Well, my former Instructor is obviously pissed at me for I don't know what and kicked my ass.' No, no, Squall. If you siad that, then Seifer would truly be right about you being the weaker of the two of you.
Once the meeting concluded, I walked back to the hotel and began unpacking. Once I finished, I decided to take a bath to relax my muscles. I undressed and climbed into the water, letting it soothe away all my aches and worries. I couldn't completely ignore the matter at hand, though. There was still the issue with Squall.
He needed to pay. He's not the only misunderstood loner in the universe, so he can't use that as his excuse, oh no. What has he really done to deserve this perfect love that he has appropriated for himself? He has done nothing but push people away and bury himself deeper beneath that layer of ice that has been his home for so long. No thoughts that filled my overworked, little brain seemed to be punishment enough for him.
"I must say, Quistis, I'm quite impressed. I never would've guessed that was underneath that oh so hot pink outfit of yours." He was obviously being sarcastic when talking about my clothing being "hot."
"What are you doing in here?" I replied icily. I was really in no mood to deal with antics right now. Revenge is really quite a tiring activity.
Wait a minute. Seifer was once involved with Rinoa, wasn't he? Yes, back when he was being controlled by the Sorceress and he was presumed dead she had told us. I wonder how Squall felt about that. No matter what he does, he's always one step behind Seifer in everything. Seifer truly was superior, but he wasted his talent and that gave Squall the upper hand. Well, that isn't going to happen anymore.
It would absolutely destroy Squall if Seifer would be the one to take everything from him, even his love. Then he would be left with nothing. He would be left with nothing but that absymal feeling filling his heart during his every waking hour. Then Squall would know my excrutiating pain. He would come to know that dull knife that twisted and played at his insides every time he would look at her or hear someone utter her name. And who would be there to pick up the pieces? No one, but I know someone who would be there to stomp them under her shoe.
"Seifer, I have a proposition for you." I smiled a sickeningly sweet smile and I swear I saw a look of both fear and intrigue cross Seifer's features.