+ final fantasy viii: reflections
Written by: Coronet (coronet@trabia-garden.net)
Originally written: March 17, 2001
Updated: June 10, 2002
Quistis closed her classroom door quietly as she walked down the corridor out of the classroom wing of Balamb Garden. Wearing the uniform she had worn during the SeeD exam to Dollet that day, she looked very much like any other student in the Garden. As she walked down the lighted corridor downstairs she received many joyful and nervous greetings from students that had participated in the field exam that day. Calm and graceful as she quite normally was, she smiled back reassuringly to each of her students and wished them all luck, for she knew only too well that only a handful of the many that had participated that day would ever get the very high honor of becoming decorated SeeD members.
She continued to walk down the corridor towards the elevators when a young girl that had participated in the exam earlier stopped her. It was one of her students who was only a few years younger than herself. The teenage girl smiled up towards Quistis as she came forward.
“Hello, Jei.” Questioned the instructor with a smile. “Have you been well?”
Jei’s warm smile dropped almost instantly as if she had been hit with a bucket of cold water, “Well, I think I did pretty well on the written exam a few days back, but…” The girl looked away momentarily towards the carpet of the hallway. “I’m not sure that I did well on the mission test we had today. If I don’t pass, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
“Oh, Jei...” Quistis said thoughtfully as she placed her hand on the girl’s shoulder, “I’m sure you did fine. Don’t worry, even if you don’t become a SeeD this time, there is another exam next semester. I’m positive that you’ll make it.”
The girl looked up into Quistis’ warm motherly eyes and a smile returned to her face. “Thank you Instructor. Even if I don’t make it this time, there’s always next time, I guess.”
They continued other random small-talk for a few moments longer before Jei had to run off to her next class. Quistis bid her farewell and continued down the long corridor towards the elevators.
Instructor Quistis Trepe was quite the favorite teacher around Balamb Garden. Young and pretty, she was on most of the male’s crush lists and inspired a group, the “Trepies” to form in her honor. Also being one of the youngest Instructors ever gave her high recommendations seeing as how she was only a year or two older than her oldest students.
Reaching the elevator, she was surprised to see it empty. Usually the elevators were jammed full of students waiting to get to the cafeteria for some of the wonderful hotdogs served in the Garden. Entering the elevator, she pushed the button to take her up to the Headmaster’s office. They would be announcing the results of the SeeD exam to the Garden faculty before the student body was informed.
Quistis sighed and starred into the glass walls of the elevator. “How long has it been…” She said to herself, “Since I really thought about things like this…?”
She starred at the reflection of herself. The person in the mirror was a pretty blonde with beautiful blue eyes. Though pretty, the reflection looked a little sad and forlorn. “Just like a true Instructor.” She thought again. She reached out to brush away a few strands of her golden hair away from her eyes. She studied the reflection again and wondered again out loud to herself, “Sometimes I wonder if other people see me the way I see myself…” Just then, the doors of the elevator opened and she stepped out into the brightly lit hall that led to the Headmaster’s office.
She walked briskly but maintained her composure as she entered the Headmaster’s office. “This isn’t time to think of things like this.” She said as she scolded herself for letting herself get lost in thought. The Headmaster stood up from behind his desk and smiled at her.
“Ah, welcome Instructor Trepe!” He said happily. “How have you been lately, Quistis?”
“Fine as usual, sir.” She said.
“Good, good… Well, let’s see. Only four passed the exam this time… I believe you know most of them… now, err…” He looked around for a moment on his desk. “Where did I put that list?” Checking his front drawer, he removed a piece of paper. “Yes, yes, here it is. Take a look now, Quistis!”
Taking the piece of paper from his hand, Quistis looked it over. She began to smile as she read. “Selphie Tilmett, Squall Leonheart, and Zell Dincht… Yes, I know these three. Who is this this Nadia?”
“A newer student to the Garden, quite a great young man he is… A little quiet, but very smart. I’m sure he’ll catch on quickly… This is only his first term and he’s already a SeeD.” Replied Cid as he rummaged through his drawers trying to tidy up his desk.
“Well, it’s quite exciting to have three of my students chosen as SeeD members.” Quistis said as she re-read the list.
“Yes, quite,” Headmaster Cid replied not looking up from his work on his desk. “Not that many this year and most of them from a fine Instructor like you. Even the new transfer girl from Trabia is making fine progress here.” He paused for a moment and sighed as he scratched his chin thoughtfully. “Instructor Trepe, there has been something that I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”
Quistis’ eyes darkened as she asked, “What would that be, sir?”
Seeing the troubled expression on her face he smiled at once, “Oh Quistis, it’s nothing bad! I’ve just been thinking for quite a while about you. You were one of the top students in Balamb, a SeeD at fifteen and an Instructor at seventeen. That’s quite a feat for such a young woman as vibrant as you. You see, I believe you have a potential to be even better than you are now.” He paused again and shifted his feet slightly. “You see Quistis, I think it would be better for you to stop being an Instructor at the Garden and actually getting out in the world as a SeeD again. When you first became a SeeD, you hardly traveled around the world at all. You stayed at the Garden preparing to be an Instructor. I think that you need to see the world a bit before settling down in this Garden to be an Instructor. The life of an instructor can be a bit overbearing at times, you know.”
Quistis eyes widened, “But Headmaster! Is that really--?”
Cutting her off before she could continue, he added, “Quistis, it is you that has so much potential to be better than the rest of us. I want you to live up to that potential. I want you to help newer members of SeeD and teach them your wisdom. You are a brilliant one, Quistis. I know you can do this. Well, what do you think?”
Quistis’ thoughts went running. She had heard earlier that rumors were flying around about her being an awful Instructor that lacked what it took to be a true Instructor. Did this have anything to do with that? Quistis wanted to ask him if this was the reason for her dismissal, but she couldn’t get her mouth to say the words. Instead she tilted her head and said, “I understand.”
Why couldn’t she get herself to tell him what she was thinking? “It’s like I’m a robot… Following my master’s commands endlessly.” She thought sadly. “Do I ever think for myself? Maybe I’m not what he says, maybe I’m weak…”
As she walked out of the office later and back towards her classroom on the second level she felt very troubled. “No, not troubled.” She thought. “I feel devastated.” However, she kept her composure as she walked by the students and smiled back at them as they said hello to her. “Some leader I am,” She thought to herself wincing, “I can’t even hold my job for longer than a year… I’m a true failure.”
As she turned the corner she heard clapping. Peering around the corner, she saw one of the Faculty reading the list of candidates that passed the exam. More clapping followed and she paused to watch what was happening. A young man full of energy was doing a victory dance around in a circle and another young man, with an emotionless expression on his face stood near the faculty member. “Ah yes,” Quistis said to herself, “The newest SeeDs.” She starred at the young man with the expressionless face.
“Squall…”
She had been watching Squall with fascination for the last year since she became an Instructor. He and Seifer, a troublesome character at the Garden, had been at each other’s throats ever since they were little.
She tried to remember when she first noticed Squall, but her memories came back to her in blurs. She shook her head and sighed. Strange she couldn’t remember when she first met him. He never seemed to take much interest in her or for that matter, most anyone. Squall kept to himself. She found herself attracted to Squall in some way, but because she was an Instructor, she told herself she must act accordingly. “I must set an example for the students.” She told herself over and over.
What was this she felt for him? It couldn’t be love. She saw so many couples as they walked hand in hand in the moonlight of the Garden and she wondered herself sometimes if she’d ever get to experience that. She wondered how love felt. “It must be wonderful,” She thought again. “Alas,” She thought again, “I must resume my duties as an model for the student body. I cannot allow myself to become mingled in something as stupid as a crush.” Despite her words, her eyes drifted carelessly back to Squall’s form.
Now the faculty member walked back toward the elevator and passed her without a word. Squall and the hyper young man soon followed.
“Can you believe it, man!?,” Exclaimed the hyper teen, “We’re finally SeeDs! OH YEAH! High Five!” He held out his open hand toward Squall. Squall didn’t even bother to look at him.
“Mr. Dincht, please save your energy for the speech you have to make to your homerooms.” The Faculty member said with irritation in his voice.
“Tch’, fine then.” Zell gave up on talking to them and went back to his victory dance.
They walked by Quistis towards the elevator. Quistis watched them until the disappeared into the elevator. Quistis sighed. She always felt so unnoticed by Squall.
“Not that that matters!” She thought quickly. “I won’t let myself get into his affairs.”
Angry with herself for letting herself get carried away in thought, she returned to her classroom. It was now empty and she was glad for it. She sighed as she sat down at her desk for a break. She remembered that tonight was the welcoming ball for the SeeD candidates. She didn’t really want to attend, but something was making her want to go very badly.
“Because of Squall?” She thought to herself. “Yes, because of Squall…” She groaned I give up!” She said out loud with an exasperated sigh.
“Give up on what, my dear Instructor?” Said a familiar voice. From behind a bookcase in the corner of the room stepped Seifer.
“Seifer!” Exclaimed Quistis, “What are you doing in here?”
“What? Am I not wanted?” he said with an evil grin on his face. “I just heard of your… predicament.”
“What are you talking about?” Quistis said trying to regain herself and yet play dumb at the exact same time. “My predicament?”
Smirking, Seifer moved over to the nearest computer desk and sat down on top of it. “What I mean, my dear Instructor…whoops!” He grinned placing a gloved hand in front of his mouth as a child would, “I forgot, you’re not an Instructor anymore now are you?”
“How did you know that?” Quistis narrowed her eyes with suspicion.
“Ah, Ms. Trepe, I know a lot of things… I have my connections.” He laughed and stood up. “Well, I must be going! I haven’t congratulated the newest SeeDs yet.”
“Not that you’re on the list either, are you, Seifer?” Quistis said coldly as he started to walk away.
Seifer cringed sarcastically. “Owch. That hurt me right here.” He motioned towards his heart as he looked over at his shoulders. He took his time walking toward the door with a laugh. “Excuse me if I offended you… my dear ‘Instructor’!” He laughed again and walked out the door.
Quistis sat dazed for a moment. “How could he have known about that so fast?” She wondered out loud. For the first time in quite a while, Quistis felt so stricken and awful over how she was that she felt tears welling up inside her. A single tear fell as she thought out loud again, “I’m a failure as a teacher, and a robot, and I can’t get anyone to notice me when it matters.”
Brushing her tears away, she walked toward the windows of the classroom. Her reflection was the same as always, but her eyes looked a little glazed. “I hope no one comes in…,” She thought. “I wouldn’t want them to see me like this. Even more of a loser than I was before…crying my eyes out over trivial things such as this.”
Quistis closed her eyes and leaned against the windowsill.
“Quisty…”
She sighed and stared out the window. “Maybe being a SeeD will be a good change for me. I won’t have to worry about how the faculty thinks about me any longer.” She stared at the walkway below the classroom in the Quad area. “Balamb Garden is my home, but I can’t stay here forever. I must move on.” A bird flew by the window and she watched it till it was out of sight. “I wish I were as free as that bird.” She sighed and walked back toward her desk. “I need time to rest,” She thought.
She walked out of her classroom and headed back toward the elevator. Walking down toward the Dormitory, she saw a familiar figure walking in front of her. “Squall,” She whispered to herself. “Turn around and look at me, I’m right here and I want to talk to you…” She wished silently. It was nearly dark and most of the students and staff had disappeared to go either set up for the ball or to go rest up before the ball.
She followed him silently and wondered what he was thinking about. Squall always seemed to be deep in thought and she wanted to know what it was exactly that he thought about. Squall disappeared behind the corridors. She sighed. “I’ll never get a chance to talk to him and...” She stopped. “Tell him how I feel? Was that what I was trying to do? Confess to him that I care?”
She shook her head. “No I must control it. This is a crush, this feeling... it will subside. In the meantime, I need to focus on my duties as a SeeD.” She walked steadily toward her dorm careful to walk quietly as not to alert any one to her presence. “I’m a fool.” She mused again to herself.
She walked into her dorm and changed into her normal clothes. “The suit looked too formal anyway.” She thought to herself. She frowned, “I think too much.”
She went up to her closet and opened her case in which she kept her prized weapon. She took out her whip and stared at it. Then she removed a cleaning cloth and began to wipe it clean. “I’ll be needing this from now on.” She said to herself. “I’ll be traveling all over the world…” She closed her eyes for a moment. “Isn’t this what I’ve always wanted?” She resumed her work, “No… It isn’t.” She paused. “Then, what do I want?” She finished cleaning it and sighed to herself as she replaced the whip into her case. “I don’t know what I want…” She clamped the opening shut and walked back toward her closet and returned the case to it’s rightful place.
Turning, she stared at her room. “This is my home,” She thought, “I grew up here… Then why do I want to leave so much? There is nothing waiting for me out there.” She brushed her hair out of her eyes and took down her hair. The long golden waterfall of her locks fell before her. She sat at her desk and stared into a mirror that she had hanging on the wall. She paused for a moment, then took out a brush and began to brush her long hair. “How long have I worn my hair this way?” she thought. “I wear it like this all the time, but when did I start?”
She thought hard and wrinkled her forehead. She sighed, “I can’t remember… Why are there so many things that I can’t remember?!” She closed her eyes. “What was my childhood like? I remember the Garden, but what was there before it?” She opened her eyes and looked out the window next to her desk. “I always feel… like something is missing…” She returned her hair to it’s usual ponytail and sighed for most likely the millionth time that day.
The clock struck 6:00 and she was brought out of her deep thought. “An hour till the ball…” She stared at the clock for a little while longer. “I’m expected to be there…” She got up and walked out of her dorm. “Only one place to go till then.” She walked down the halls toward the training center. She was sure no one would be there at this hour for everyone was planning to go to the Ball regardless if they were SeeDs or not. She entered the gates of the training center and at once she listened carefully. She heard nothing moving in the grass so she carefully headed in the direction of her “secret place.” A place where students came after curfew to talk and meet up. She was sure no one would be there today and it would give her time to think things over. The “secret place” had a wonderful view and always seemed to calm her. She had been going to the secret place for as long as she could remember being old enough to weld a weapon. The training center was full of wild beasts set loose for trainees to battle to gain experience. She hadn’t fought any monsters here in a while, but she knew to keep a good watch out for them. Particularly the T-Rexaur, which was a rather ferocious beast that could easily do some serious damage to a beginner.
She wandered through the deep foliage as she looked for the passage between some rocks that led out to the balcony that was the secret place. Hearing a rustle behind her, she turned quickly. Her eyes scanned the area and she saw nothing. Keeping her guard up, she quickened her pace. She had heard that the monsters had been acting rather violently for the past few weeks.
Another rustle closer to her now, made her whip around abruptly. She stared silently out into the deep grass. “Those Grats…” She said through gritted teeth. “Always looking for trouble… Well, not today.” She began to focus her power to the area where she had seen the grass move. “Fira…” She whispered. A wave of fire shot forth into the underbrush. The scream of the monsters as they took off into the deeper parts of the jungle of vines echoed back to her. “That should keep those pests at bay for a little while.” She said. She continued on her way carefully listening for the sounds of the Grats returning.
She found the opening and exited through the doors. A cool rush of night air flowed over her. She walked over to the ledge of the balcony and sighed contently. She loved this place. She stared out over the edge and looked at the Garden sparkling in the distance as the training center was situated outside of the Garden limits to prevent the monsters from escaping. The lights on the Garden made it appear as a beautiful prism of light. The heavens were beautiful and she stared out at the stars above her… It had been a while since she actually stared at the beautiful stars. She hadn’t thought about it in a while with the exams running and all finals for the teachers were due in that week. It had been a hectic time for everyone for the past few weeks and with the attack of Dollet by the Galbadians…. What could she say? She looked again at the stars and sat down on the chairs that had been brought out for people to sit on… Thinking again of the various things that had happened to her, she drifted into a light sleep…
“Quisty…”
“Hm…?”
“Did you see the shooting star?”
“Where?”
“There! Look over there! Next to the Quisty star! Do you see them falling?”
“Oh, wow! They’re so pretty…”
“..Yeah…Hey, Quisty?”
“Hm…”
“Do you miss big sis?”
“Yeah, I wonder where she is…”
“Yeah, I hope she’s happy…”
“…Me too…”
Quistis woke abruptly. How could she have let herself fall asleep at a time like this? What time was it anyway? She stared out into the night. “I must get back… The Ball must’ve begun already.” Taking one last look at the breathtaking beauty of the Garden in the moonlight, she turned and walked back towards the Garden.
“Ah, Quistis! There you are!” said Headmaster Cid as he smiled at her. “Please, have a drink.” Other Instructors and various other members of the faculty surrounded him. He smiled and stared at the beautiful ballroom.
Quistis’ gaze shifted from him to the ballroom itself. The ballroom was looking more lavishing than ever on this occasion. The whole ballroom was decorated with banners commending the efforts of the SeeD members. Music was playing in the background and students chattered excitedly with each other. On the ballroom floor, couples danced happily in each other’s arms. Groups of others talked with happy faces together. She wished she were a part of it.
She returned her attention to the Headmaster, but he was talking to a few third year students and was no longer paying attention to her. Quistis sighed and walked off to the refreshment stand and got a drink of punch. “Never cared too much for that alcohol stuff.” She thought.
The music changed its tune quickly to a lively dance. “I wonder where Squall is.” She thought staring out into the crowd. She saw Selphie and that hyper kid, Zell talking in a corner. She was too far to make out what they were saying, but Zell looked like he wasn’t too interested in it. She saw him take off and leave Selphie yelling at the back of his head as he ran away. The girl gave up and throwing her hands up in frustration, she waltzed over to where Squall was standing. She saw Selphie talk to him for a moment the shrug her shoulders and finally, jump in delight. She waved happily at Squall and skipped off.
“I wonder if I should go ask Squall to dance…” She thought. She wondered why she was getting so brave, but she thought that since she was no longer an Instructor, it wouldn’t matter if she tried to talk to a few guys. She made her way slowly toward Squall. “What if I ask him and he turns me down?” She thought. She paused and thought again. “Well, if you don’t get over there and ask him now, you’ll never know now will you?” she scolded herself.
She started to walk toward Squall again when Squall turned around and seemed to look right at her. Quistis wheeled around and started back in the other direction. “I can’t do this! This is so unprofessional and it will make me look like a fool if he turns me down.” She stopped again. All the thoughts of her being a “weak failure” came back to her. She felt slightly sickened with herself. “This…” She thought, “Is my chance to prove to myself that I’m not a total weakling. I can go up to him and talk to him. At least talk to him!” Feeling a little braver she walked toward him again. His attention was turned toward the ceiling. A falling star flared across the sky. “It’s a lucky sign for me.” Quistis thought to herself. “You can do this.” She walked closer to him and came up behind him so that she could call his name and he’d turn to her and see her. She got closer to him and she cleared her throat and called out quietly, “Squall?” He didn’t turn around and suddenly she felt all her pain come back to her. Getting ready to try again, she breathed in to call out his name when suddenly, a young girl with black hair and a cute smile came up to Squall. Quistis quickly backed off and hid in the shadows.
“You’re the cutest guy here,” The girl said with a flirting tone in her voice. “Dance with me?” She asked. After a moment of silence the girl said, “Let me guess, you’ll only dance with someone that you like right?”
Quistis backed off a little further and walked toward the drink stands a few feet to the left. She tried hard not to listen. Her heart beat in her chest. “I missed my chance,” she thought. “I am a weakling.”
“You are going to like me…. You are going to like me…,” Quistis heard the girl say. A pause then, “Did it work?”
Quistis couldn’t take it anymore. She felt like she had been rejected. She walked off toward a table and sat down and sighed. She almost felt like crying again. She watched as the girl took Squall over to the dance floor. Quistis watched in utter amusement as the girl attempted to teach Squall how to dance. “I never knew Squall couldn’t dance…” She thought to herself. For the next few minutes she watched as the girl, whom she was rather envious of in a way, teach Squall to dance. She couldn’t take her eyes off Squall. “Who is that girl?” Quistis thought. She sighed. “I feel like a disaster.” She got up and walked toward the outdoor balcony. As she turned back for one last glance at the ballroom, she saw Squall, finally able to dance, looking very happy in the girl’s arms. “Be happy…” She thought as she walked out onto the balcony.
Last things changed: June 10, 2002 - My crappy grammar from last year and reading back, I realize how bad of a fanfic this really was. In any case, changed random mistakes here and there and added a little more flavor to the fanfic itself. If you want to use it or anything, please e-mail me first. I’ll always say yes, but I just like to know where my fics are wandering off to. Coronet@trabia-garden.net